subduedsilencex

Bull shit..

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 20:25:44 GMT

WELL. This won't be a really long update because I can't stay on long. I no longer have my computer. My father took it out of my room last night because I was late getting home.. and I told him why I never want to be home.. which is why I avoid home and so on. A hem. Anyways. SO!

I couldn't finish my english project! And I still can't. Not without that computer. I swear. This is fucking insane. Soo yeahh.. and this morning I found out that I didn't pass the SOL in Algebra II.. haha that doesn't suprise me. Meh. Stupid teacher never taught us anything. It's insane too. THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD HATES ME THESE DAYS! I SWEAR TO GOD!

Oh well. I wish I could just move out, go live somewhere else.. something.. but sadly.. I have to stay here in this horrid household. Enough update.. it's not as if anyone reads this anyways.

Haa

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 20:41:59 GMT

I don't even know WHY I put that thing in here. It's not like ANYONE reads it.. you know? Yeah. You know what's kind of scary? I kind of actually miss talking to Nick. I mean. I talked to him a lot actually.. and yeah. I miss him. I'm considering getting a new screen name and attempting to talk to him. Cuz yeah. I dunno why. I might update again tonight with something actually important to say.. while I'm procrastinating on my English project.. yeah anyways. I'm going to go write my song for guitar.. and then go to my guitar lesson.. and then work on my English. <3

FUN THINGY!

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 01:35:52 GMT

Stole from kazekamuiasato

Pick ONE from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments. Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.

* dominant or submissive
* logical or intuitive
* social or loner
* kinky or vanilla
* cute or sophisticated
* kitten or puppy
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
* leader or follower
* quiet or talkative
* spontaneous or planned
* teddy bear or porcelain doll
* hiking or window shopping
* tequila or vodka
* top or bottom
* barefoot or shoes
* jeans or slacks
* tender or rough
* aware or dreamy
* nerd or geek

Ooooh the fun..

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 00:51:19 GMT

Today pretty much just all out SUCKED. Yet, I'm still in a happy mood. Why? I don't know. It's just me and my fucked up self. Anyways. Last night I pretty much broke my toe.. stupid move. It's not like I did it on purpose.. I'll leave out HOW because I'll feel like more of a moron than I already do. The point is.. I had to hobble around school all day. That was not fun at all.

I managed to make it so that I can finish my Algebra II test tomorrow.. however.. I have to teach myself the whole section tonight in order to know what I'm doing. I also get to finish my Spanish test tomorrow. How wonderful.. right? Yeah I think so too. Good news though.. I think I got a 100 on my Chemistry quiz today. I liked that quiz. Mwhaha. Anyways moving on..

Jay was an asshole most of the day. He ignored me and played cards this morning in the commons.. again. But I'm getting used to it now.. and I just don't really care. At all. Just like I'm tired of him yelling at me and making me feel bad. But that's okay. Whatever. He'll learn eventually. Or lose me. One of the two. It's really his choice. Hmmm. Yep.

Jonathan was just being.. his usual self I guess you could say. I've either really stopped giving a shit about him.. or I've just blocked it all out. Not sure which one. I'll figure it out eventually. I haven't really talked to Courtney lately. I'm kind of upset with her for deserting me Saturday night when she was supposed to spend the night. But yeah.. whatever. It happened and it's done.

So. I really don't want to clean my room because my foot hurts. I don't want to do my work because I'm lazy. So I think I'll sit here and talk to Heather for a while. I feel like our friendship is fading slowly. It's a sad feeling, maybe things will get better over the summer. I can't believe that school's almost over. It's crazy.

Umm.. yep. Well. Now I'll finish my conversation with Heather.. and hang out online and talk to people. And I'll probably play my guitar and write that song that Clay told me to write. After I listen to The Killers for a while. So.. until later.. farewell.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 05:17:00 GMT

HAHA. Wow. Almost 6 months later. Haaa. Yeah. Anyways. It's been a while since I've updated this obviously. But I just like this journal and I think I'll start using it again. Since no one knows it.. no one can read it and start drama. So mwhaha. I win today.

I don't really have much to say today. I walked up to Target and Ricky and Jacob were being assholes. I hung out with Allen while he worked. That was awesome. Haha. Yeahhhh. Allen rocks. <3Allen. Um. Yeah anyways. Ummm. I came home and I think that I broke something in my foot.. or sprained it.. or something.. all I know is that I fucked it up and it hurts like hell to walk.

Annnd I'm just sitting here in my humid and EXTREMELY hot room. Not able to sleep, talking to Allen. I talked to Scotty and Nathan tonight.. and both of them made me feel really special and loved. That cheered me up soo much. Because Jay was being an asshole.. he was upset about something and I think that I made it ten times worse when I asked him about something someone told me he did. More of this flirty shit and misunderstandings that hurt me needlessly.

Boys are just stupid and cause problems. But I love them just the same. And I'd be lonely without them because they make the best friends ever. I'm going to go read and talk to Allen for a while. And then I'm going to bed. Night all. <3

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 16:37:46 GMT

It is finally December. That makes me incredably happy. Things are wonderful.. they could be better.. but isn't that always the case anyways? I cannot wait until this weekend. I'm so excited. It's gonna rock seriously. I get to see my FOUR favorite people this weekend. That makes me so freaking happy. =]

I wrote a really good poem last night about a break up. No, my boyfriend didn't break up with me. But if you read the poem you'd think that he did. Yeah.. I like it a lot. I think it's good. I'll post it on here later.

My home computer is being evil, it doesn't like me at all. It likes to die every once in a while. Oh well. I'll get over it. I can just update at school or at Mary Leigh's house this weekend.

Woo0o.. I'm happy. ^^ And in Driver's Ed next.. we have a really good and interesting presentation given by the people from MCV. Should be interesting and worth paying attention to.

Well.. I must get off now.. the bells gonna ring and I have to go see Jay and everyone else before Driver's Ed.

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 16:28:15 GMT

Yay. Things are going great today. Other than the fact that I'm still sick and all.. Jay's having a good day.. therefore I'm having a good day. Gotta love how that works..

I wonder what I'm going to do tonight.. maybe I'll go skating.. if I'm permitted too.. and if Jay goes. If he doesn't it won't be worth going. I don't exactly like going up there anymore. I don't know why.. I just don't..

Maybe tomorrow I can go to the mall. I can't wait until Sunday. It's gonna be so much fun. I don't want to go to Driver's Ed. But.. I'll just have to get over it. I can't wait until Study Block is over..

I wanna know how forever feels..

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 04:05:00 GMT

I feel lost. Like I don’t know who I am anymore.. like my entire world is falling apart around me. I feel trapped. Like I can’t escape from this life I’ve built for myself. But the question is.. do I want to escape? Or am I to scared to even fathom the idea of a different life? I’m not so sure myself..

I’m distant from everyone. I don’t know why I ended up being distanced from the people closest to me.. but I was. I feel like Courtney and I live on two completely different planets. I hardly ever get to talk to her anymore, and when I do.. it just doesn’t feel like it used to. I’ve lost half of me.

The only person I didn’t distance myself from was Jay. And that was probably the stupidest thing I could have done. The people that are closest to you are the people that hurt you the most. That is a damn true statement. My life is the best proof of that.

Why I chose a Scorpio as a boyfriend.. I don’t know. Well.. I didn’t really choose him, he chose me. But that’s beyond the point. I get enough of the male Scorpio behavior at home from my father and my brother. I don’t need it from my boyfriend too. All of them have the tendency to make you feel like shit, and yell and scream at you until you feel microscopic and worthless. It’s not fun.

I’m tired of being treated like shit when I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m tired of getting hung up on. I’m tired of being bitched at for crap that I didn’t do. I’m tired of being blamed for everything. I’m tired of being ignored by the people I need to talk to. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of crying. I’m just tired of EVERYTHING.

I love Jay with all my heart. But I can’t stand it when he does this to me. He’s never yelled at me like this before, and I didn’t see it coming either. All I did was sit and listen.. and then apologize. A lot of good that did. Why do people take things out on me? Do I look like a verbal punching bag? I don’t think so..

Now I’m sitting her pathetic as hell.. just hoping upon hope that he’ll decide to call me back and apologize for being the biggest asshole I’ve ever seen. However.. unfortunately the probability of that occurring is less than .0001%.

I’m scared. I feel like I’ve already lost Courtney. And I feel like I’m losing Jay. If I lose both of them I will cease to exist. They are my everything. Taking them away from me is like taking my heart and soul. I would be lifeless. Nothing. A vegetable.

People are so skeptical.. they say that you can’t find love when you’re in high school.. they say that it’s just puppy love and nothing more.. well I think they’re wrong. I think that you can find love in high school. It just has to be a damn strong love to make it through. And maybe I’ve found a love strong enough.. or maybe I haven’t.. only time will tell.

Jay says I’m insecure. He says I bitch to much, he says I whine to much. Yeah maybe I am insecure, but it’s only because of him. It’s because he’s so freaking flirty, and because so many girls like him. I half expect him to get tired of me and just up and leave with one of the girls that likes him. But part of me knows he won’t.. because he says he loves me.. and I believe him..

He’s just like me. He likes to point out peoples faults.. but he can’t stand to hear his own. He won’t admit to the truth. And well.. neither will I. We’re both stubborn, jealous, indecisive, ignorant people. It’s sad how much alike we are. Once again.. is this good.. or is it bad?

This is the only way that I can express anything. I don’t have anyone to really talk to about all of this. So I throw it into the computer and out onto the internet.. hoping that maybe someone will listen.. and maybe even care. It seems that’s a lot to ask for too..

I want to write, I want to draw. I want to do something that will distract me from the pain I’m going through. But I have nothing that I can do. I have no inspiration to do anything. Not to do homework.. not to draw.. I don’t even want to eat. I know this isn’t healthy and I know that I’m stupid for letting myself get hurt like this.. but I’m used to it. It’s beginning not to hurt so much.. I’m beginning to lose the ability to feel it.

Things could be worse. This I know. And they have been worse. I’m just extremely happy that I’ve broken other habits of mine that I formed over the past year. That’s making things easier. I’ll just cry.. that’s the only action I can take anymore when I’m upset or angry or sad or depressed. There’s nothing else that I can do. It’s sad really.. and it makes me feel pathetic..

I can’t see the point to anything anymore. I still don’t see why I’m here. Why I’m alive. Why I live on this hell we call earth. I don’t understand. I want to know so many things that no one can answer for me.. I can only answer them myself. I don’t see the purpose of my existence. I don’t know why I love, why I bleed, why I hate, why I cry. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t even remember who I used to be. I’m lost and alone and I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to help myself. How is it that I can feel so alone when I have so many people that “love” me?

I have never loved anyone more in my entire life.. and at the same time no one’s ever hurt me more. I’m beginning to be scared that things will never get better between us.. and that it’s going to be like this until we end up breaking up and hating each other with a passion. I don’t want that. I can’t stand to think of that. I don’t want to lose him. I want to be with him for as long as I can. I learned what it was like not to be with him and to stand by and want nothing more than to be with him and I couldn’t stand it. I never want to feel that again for the rest of my life. I love him to much.

The best way to put it would be to use some Taking Back Sunday lyrics.. only edited a little bit of course..

I need him like a ~~bad~~ habit.. one that leaves me defenseless.. dependent.. and alone..

I’m surprised my heart still exists.. it’s been shattered so many times.. it’s almost broken beyond repair.

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 16:32:41 GMT

Today hasn't been good. At all.

I've been drawing this picture for over a month. And my history teacher took it from me. I had to stay after class so she could bitch at me before I could get it back. And I didn't get to walk with Jay. Which made it all the more worse.

I was late for study block and got in trouble for that too. What else can today bring? I'm afraid to ask..

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 16:30:06 GMT

Using both an LJ and a GJ gets confusing after a while. And time consuming. Anyways.

Yesterday was awesome. Went shopping with Jay and then hung out with him at his house. I love just spending time with him like that. It just makes me so incredibly happy. ^^

On Saturday morning I get to go over to his house and spend the day and then at 6 we're going to Katherine's party. And that's over at 10. And then I have to go home. Unfortunatly. Yep. Can't wait 'til Saturday. =]

I MISS MY MARY LEIGH! I LUSH YOU! <3 *sniffle*

Wow..

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 15:33:27 GMT

Okay, I have no idea what I'm doing this weekend still. And I'm confused beyond all reason. It's giving me a headache.

I'm tired of all this shit. There's only so much that someone can take. I mean honestly, I'm almost to the fucking breaking point.

I don't know what the hell to do. But I can't say anything about it and I just have to sit here with my mouth shut and act like I'm happy. Forever hiding behind one mask or another..

Purple Icon Love <3

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 15:32:02 GMT

"I'm not your star. Isn't that what you said, what you thought this song meant?" New favorite quote.

Things are kind of crazy today. Everyone's in a bad mood. People are snapping all over the place. I'm half expecting to say something to someone and then just be smacked. =\

Therefore I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. I failed an Algebra II test but I get to do corrections on it and bring it up to a C so it's all good. But I'm wondering about my Chemistry test that I took on Wednesday. I probably failed that. I wish that I wasn't doing so badly in that class. It's driving me crazy.

I read my own journal from the summer and I made myself cry in English class. It was so sad. I never want to go through that again. I might type that up and put it on here. I'm not sure though. It depressed me even more.

I'm hungry. But I really don't want to eat. How the hell am I supposed to fix that? Drink a lot of water? I'm refusing to take this rubber band off. How special is that? I'll have to take it off tomorrow because of Homecoming. I'm having second thoughts about that myself.

Yeah, I'll know more people at Hermitage than Nick and Jay will. But not as many as Courtney. I'm going to feel completly outnumbered and alone. I'm nervous beyond belief. And I'm worried that Jay won't feel any better by then because he's not exactly happy today. I'm worried about him. But I'm trying to stay away from him when he's like this because it's what he made me promise to do.

I don't know what's going on. I can't wait until I get to Courtney's house after school today. I really just need her to be there for me because I'm having difficulty just staying calm and composed. But at least I haven't broken ANY of my promises this time. I guess I'm stronger than I thought I was.

Painful Existance..

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 15:25:47 GMT

Is rubber band hell. No one will understand that but that's okay. I'm not even sure that anyone's going to read this anyway. But oh well. I really don't care about much anymore.

All day today has been okay I guess. This morning was alright except Jay got all mad because Kevin hugged me. I mean it's Kevin, honestly, he flirts with everyone. It's not fucking right that he can get jealous but he gets mad when I get jealous. It's pissing me off..

Anyways. Algebra II sucked as usual. Boring and learning.. NOTHING. U.S. History was boring, lots of writing, some fun talking.. but we got bitched at for that too. Oh well.

I let Heather read my journal from the summer and she said she started crying in the middle of Algebra II. She's in a different class though so I didn't get to see it. But it would have been funny. ^^ I'm sure it was depressing.

Annd I just got to walk with Jay in the hallway. Apparently he's considering taking back our plans this weekend and that's bothering me. People just don't do that. It's not right. When you make plans and you have them for over a month.. you don't fucking take them back, you just don't. And what makes it worse is that it's this girl's party he'd be going to. And she was always all over him last year and I don't need another one of those girls. I swear. Not right now. I have to much else to worry about.

I get to go to Driver's Ed next. Someone please kill me. I hate that freaking class. And I now have red welts on my wrist where I've been snapping a rubber band all day. But the method is effective so that's not to bad.

Nothing to do tonight. Bored out of my mind. ^^ But that's okay. I need to do laundry anyway. I really miss Mary Leigh. I haven't seen her or talked to her in a while and I think that she's mad at me. I don't know. Everything's just all falling down at once. Hopefully things with Jay will improve soon because I can't take much more of this..